The days leading up to the last day that I saw her were tumultuous.  My parents had been divorced for eight years and yet they had remained in the system off and on fighting over custody of my brother and I.  There had been a lot of things that had already happened in those eight years following my parents divorce including a kidnapping, judges being accused of being bribed, domestic violence and over ten moves in our short lives.  We had made a lot of friends….and lost a lot of friends already.  Then, in the days leading up to the last time I saw my best friend, another kidnapping attempt that failed.  My dad spent hours on the phone with the attorney trying to figure out what to do.  I was 11 years old and my brother was 13 years old.  The attorneys words were, “If you don’t let them go, they’re going to resent you.  They need to know what life with their mom is like.  Let them go.”  So, my father acquiesced.  In a matter of a few hours I was gone, once again, from the life that I knew….and so was my friendship.My brother and I, literally vanished overnight from our friends’ lives and they ours without notice.  There were no goodbyes, exchanges of addresses or phone numbers.  We simply vanished.

Over the years I’ve looked for her.  In the beginning (which equaled after I graduated from high school), I went back to the city where I had lived and tried to find her to no avail.  As social networking has become more and more prominent I’ve found new avenues. In the beginning it was Classmates.com, then MySpace.com and then Facebook.com.  All total thirty-four years have passed and I have always wondered what happened to her.  Maybe because she was the longest childhood friend I’d had, maybe because of the connection that we shared or maybe both, but I have always missed her and wondered about her.

I hold both of my parents responsible for this.  How could both of them not foster my childhood friendships in the midst of my relocation…my multiple relocations.  Years later I can answer that question having been in the field of work that I have been in.  Litigation….the side affect of litigation.  Litigating parents don’t care about childhood relationships.  They don’t focus on anything but themselves and who wins.  Childhood relationships are a casualty of the war that they cannot stop for fear of “losing”.  How dare them.   I’m angry at them for the friendships that I lost, that I had no say so in.  I’m angry that they couldn’t stop fighting….EIGHT years later.  Seriously??  MOVE ON.  (For those of you that know me…I’m not an angry person by nature but parents fighting over their children anger me.  Especially when they are still fighting years later.  LIFE IS TOO SHORT to be so miserable).

Anyway..off of my soap box.  Now to the happy ending…

I found her!  MY BEST FRIEND!   Just this past week.  Thank God for Facebook!  After years of random searches and wondering…FACEBOOK you are my hero!  Wow.  Another chance to heal from the war my parents waged on each other.

Oh yeah… …and it turns out she has been looking for me all of these years too.

The very thing that we thrive on as a human race, CONNECTION, seems to be the most expendable and easily destroyed when it comes to family law litigation. Being so quick to sacrifice such a critical connection, we fail miserably at preserving what has given us the most joy, happiness and, at times, pain and growth. We destroy our most important connections in the name of “winning” or “being the better parent” or “being the primary parent”.

The Alien continues talking to Ellie stating, “I know you must think this is all very unfair. Maybe that’s an understatement. What you don’t know is I agree. I wish the world was a place where fair was the bottom line, where the kind of idealism you showed at the hearing was rewarded, not taken advantage of. Unfortunately we don’t live in that world.” The courtroom seems incredibly unfair most of the time. You walk in with idealism and walk out with a handful of emotional and financial destruction. I wish parents could just realize that yes, they didn’t work together as a couple, lovers or partners but they can continue working together as parents because they know the children need it and their future DEPENDS on it. I wish…

Until that time comes, I wish more than ever that parents would take the closure of their relationships and their parenting issues to an environment that supports them. That environment being the Collaborative Law environment. Collaborative supports parents making decisions that are best for themselves and their children as well as their co-parenting relationships. By helping parents honor their connection, it honors their children. The idealism of Collaborative is rewarded every time I see husbands and wives, parents, honor the history of them…their connection. I believe the world that we live in is capable of such a beautiful dream.

In the July 2011 DMagazine there was an article entitled, “Highland Park’s Finest Garage Sale”. The article reads, “Our next door neighbor recently held a garage sale. At the edge of the driveway, she’d placed a cushion-less leather couch. “Where are the cushions?” I asked when I walked over. The answer came not from the owner herself but from a second neighbor after an awkward silence, “Her ex-husband took them.”, the second neighbor whispered. The owner moved behind a ladder, which wasn’t for sale. “So what’s a buyer supposed to do?” I asked. “Track him down and make a separate deal on the cushions?”’ The second neighbor nodded, “I guess if they want the cushions. ”

The article goes on to say in the last paragraph, “Garage Sales are our most intimate market places. Sellers show us their cushion-less lives, the people they used to be.”

For those of us that work in various roles in Family Law, litigation becomes the garage sale that reveals our client’s most intimate details.

Let’s take a drive to the local courthouse and see what’s for sale during the litigated divorces.

The first items seen are all the household furnishings; couches, beds, tables, dishes, desks, books, TV’s, exercise equipment…the material “stuff” that made home look like home. There is a literal garage sale price value placed on household belongings unless an item has substantial monetary value. Imagine having a household full of furniture that you and your spouse/significant other have worked hard to obtain and being told by the person in the black robe that it is all to be valued at garage sale prices.

Moving forward from the curb and going into the courthouse, just past the metal detectors- there are boxes of Broken hearts, Dreams Lost, Misunderstandings, Regrets, Grief, Lost Trust, Worries About What Everyone Will Say/Think, Alcohol, Drugs, Mental Breakdowns, Lies, Affairs and Failures. People are pilfering through them looking for things they can use when they get to the courtroom.

Once in the courtroom, I see two large boxes off to the side, near the jury boxes, with
‘Destroyed Finances’ in one box and the ‘Children’ in the other box. I see attorneys arguing over the prices with each other and with the Judge. The Judge, however is the one that determines the final cost of divorce at the courthouse because no one else could come to an agreement on the price.

I remember that I noticed signs along the way into the courthouse, in the elevator and into the court room saying, “Everything for Sale”, “Buy One Get One for Free”, “Make an Offer”. Many will make it through this garage sale, however the things that are always left over are the things that others don’t want and you can’t get rid of; Anger, bitterness and resentment.

Family Law litigation is the garage sale that reveals our client’s most intimate details BUT it isn’t the only way to end a marriage/relationship. Instead of going to the courthouse to get divorced, there are many other options to the garage sale of litigation. Alternative Dispute Resolution options do exist.

Alternatives to resolving disputes at the courthouse include Mediation, Arbitration, Parent Facilitation/Coordination and Collaborative Law. All of these other options provide opportunities that litigation does not and actually increases the value of you and your family. These Alternative Dispute Resolutions have the ability to offer healing, support, privacy, closure, peace and a spirit of collaboration. Collaborative Law offers a private and respectful way of ending the most intimate part of your life that you have lived. It allows a form of closure that has the potential to reduce, heal or get rid of the anger, resentment and bitterness that keeps us from moving forward.

When your marriage/relationship falls apart, what will you do with it? How will you give closure to the most intimate life that you have lived? Garage Sale it or end it with respect and compassion?

I’ll start with a joke I saw posted on the Grossman Law Group website

IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!

Our “stories” have the capability of keeping us from being resilient while going through one of the most difficult times in our lives. Examples of some of the stories could be, “I worked a full time job and took care of the family so they could finish their education.”, “I was taking care of the kids while he/she was having an affair.”, “We were fresh out of high school and had a lot of growing to do. I grew up but he/she didn’t.” If I were to ask every person ending a relationship what they learned, I’m certain everyone would have a “pearl of wisdom” to share.

When looking at the end of a relationship, it’s important to talk about the painful memories, how you felt when it happened and how you saw yourself and your spouse. It helps us heal and move forward. However, when we stay “stuck” in our stories, it prevents us from being able to move forward, to lay those memories to rest and to forgive. Forgiveness DOES NOT mean excusing behaviors, forgetting behaviors or saying those behaviors didn’t happen. Forgiveness DOES mean I AM READY to let these things go so that I can be at peace. I am ready to move forward.

When you can let go of the “stories” that keep you stuck in the emotions, you have the opportunity to become more resilient. Being resilient is being able to bounce back, recovering from the adversity and recovering from the pain.

Try making a forgiveness list for yourself and the partner you are ending the relationship with. Try identifying the things from the relationship for which you are grateful. Use these starters; “I am grateful that……..” , “I am so glad for……”, I am sorry that I………. and I commit to……… Once you have made it through the forgiveness and you lay those old stories to rest you will then have the opportunity to settle into peace and create a new way of interacting, you will be living resiliently.

Be kind to one another and take care of you,

Brenda Lee Roberts M. Ed., LPC

Share

Tweet

Collaborative Law has the potential to create new beginnings out of relationships that are ending. It asks us end in a way that does not destroy or savagely rip and tear but to be better human beings. To set aside our anger and hurt long enough to get through one of the most difficult times in our lives. It asks us who we are at our core.

Brenda Lee Roberts M. Ed., LPC
Share

Tweet

My parents married when my Dad was 33 and my Mom was 18.  They were married in 1963 and divorced in 1968. It was a devastating marriage; multiple moves, affairs by both parents and full of verbal and physical violence.  Then the savagery of divorce.  We’d be at our grandmother’s house and our Dad would come get us and take us.  We’d be at the other grandmother’s house and my mom would come get us and take us.  We were kidnapped twice by one of our parents.  There were accusations of judges being bribed and paperwork being filed years after the rulings and an article written in a major Texas newspaper about the divorce and custody battle.  My parents hated each other and at times it felt like they hated each other more than they loved us.  This war between them lasted well into my brother’s and my adult lives.  My brother had to tell them how they were expected to behave at his wedding.  At my Master’s Degree graduation ceremony, I had one friend monitor my Dad and the other friend monitor my Mom.  My parents were told not to speak.  For years I have heard one of my parents constantly degrade my other parent.  Even after the death of the other parent, they have continued.

I know that, as a child of divorce, conflict and litigation only takes prisoners and leaves a scorched earth.  Healing from those wounds can take years to overcome; for adults and children alike.  Collaborative Law offers you the opportunity to be in control of your future.  It allows co-parents the opportunity to create a future parenting plan.   It offers us a new way of ending our relationships AND it offers us the opportunity to create a new way of communicating, a new way of being parents.  It also allows us to honor and respect ourselves at our core…and the other person as a human being.

Brenda Lee Roberts M. Ed., LPC

Share


Tweet

Share


Tweet